Carol’s Column
Sex is here to stay
"HOW does a centipede make love?"
I choked on my cornflakes while my daughter gazed expectantly.
"That's an interesting question," I retorted quickly.
"So, how does a centipede make love?"
Just then the lift scheme hooted and the kids abandoned their cornflakes and ran.
"Saved by the bell," said my husband, an acute observer of human life.
"Sex is a problem," I remarked to my spouse.
"You're telling me," he replied ruefully. "look where it got us."
"Seriously, it's a problem."
"I'm serious," he muttered.
"Your oldest son turned 17 on Monday. It's the age of worry. Do you remember what we were like then? You've got to have a serious talk to him."
My husband snorted. "You're living in prehistoric ages," he said. "Your son of 17 could rewrite the Kama Sutra with your son of 15 adding the spicey parts."
I glared at him.
"Your sons know more about sex than you've ever heard of. This generation knows it all."
"Rubbish, our children are normal and sheltered."
"Precisely," he said with a note of finality.
Every person has a moment of need.
I phoned Betty.
"What do you think of sex?" I asked.
She sighed. "I don't remember, Carol. It's been such a long time."
"I mean the kids and sex."
"Oh, the kids!" She laughed. "Don't be ridiculous, they know it all. Relax, stop worrying. Besides, if they want to know something, they'll ask. Initiate discussion then be open and honest. Get it all in the open. Let it all hang out."
I couldn't wait for supper that night.
As soon as we sat down, I looked around. "Right, let's have a little chat about sex," I said brightly.
"What's so special about sex anyway?" muttered my second son. "What's it given me in life? A shared room, hand-me-down clothes, a younger brother who makes strange noise, a sister who never stops talking. What's so great about sex?"
Jamie, our 11-year-old, was more explicit: "Sex is interesting, Ma. Do you know the truth about the classic tale 'Sleeping Beauty'? In the story the prince wakes the enchanted princess with a kiss and they live happily ever after.
"Well, I've got news for you. 'Sleeping Beauty' was originally called 'Perceforce and Petamerone' and in that tale the handsome prince finds the sleeping beauty, falls in love with [her,] rapes her and leaves."
"Interesting, Jamie, interesting," I commented. "Let's discuss something a little more down to earth."
Ralph's eyes sparkled. "Did you know that earth worms make love numerically?"
"They do?" I was engrossed.
Said Ralph taking a bite of lamb stew: "They lie head and tail together. Their 15th segments emit text cut off in photograph 10th segments receive and fertilise it. The eggs hatch about three weeks later. Furthermore, they remain locked in wormy rapture for hours."
"You're joking?"
"No," he continued, "and have you heard about the Atlantic slipper shell? They too have the most remarkable sexual habits . . ."
Throughout dinner the kids were a mine of sexual information.
They discussed the sexual habits of the flat oyster and the sea bass.
I learnt that the word gonorrhoea was coined by the ancient Greek physician Galen.
That in 1653 an 89-year-old man was executed in England for adultery.
That the first strip-tease show ever was only the result of a French lass looking for a flea.
As my spouse had remarked. In 17 years the kids knew more about sex than I did in 40:
Later, I kissed my daughter goodnight. "Goodnight, Mummy," she said sleepily, "so how do centipedes make love?"
"In a hundred different ways," I answered.
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Editorial note
Masthead reads "Sunday Express LIVING, September 12, 1982", page 5; 12 September 1982 was a Sunday. The standing head "Carol's COLUMN" is set over a drawing of her, and the column is signed "Carol Lazar" at the foot. Photographed as page-215, with the cartoon in close-up as page-209. The clipping is cut into a shallow band across the top, holding the headline, the last four columns and the drawing, and one long strip pasted down the left margin which carries the opening and most of the column. The strip is pasted about seven degrees off square. Confidence is medium for two physical reasons. The strip was trimmed flush with the left edge of its type, so the first letter of most turned lines is shaved: an m reads as n, a g as c, a q as j, a d as l. The remains and the sense settle every one of them, and they are transcribed as words without brackets rather than littering the column with square brackets; the practice is recorded here instead. Second, the album page curls over into the spiral binding at the foot, and the last lines of the strip go round the curve and out of the photograph. One line is lost there, between "Their 15th segments emit" and the resumption at "10th segments receive". Flattening that page and photographing it again would recover it and let this page be raised to high. Jamie's source names are printed "Perceforce and Petamerone". The tale he is describing reaches us through the romance "Perceforest" and Basile's "Pentamerone"; both names are left exactly as set, inside his speech.
Transcribed as printed. Doubtful readings:
- "Their 15th segments emit [TEXT CUT OFF IN PHOTOGRAPH] 10th segments receive and fertilise it.": the strip runs round the curve of the album page into the binding and out of frame. The paper is intact; the photograph simply does not reach it.
- "falls in love with [her,] rapes her and leaves.": the line's opening is carried off by the left trim, further in than elsewhere. "her," is the only reading that fits the space and the sentence.
- "he replied ruefully. "look where it got us."": the second quotation opens on a lower-case "look", as set.
- "than I did in 40:": set with a colon, and the sentence before it, "As my spouse had remarked.", stands as a fragment. Both left as they are.
- "adding the spicey parts": set thus. "Spicey" was a live spelling and is left alone.
- "a younger brother who makes strange noise": set thus, singular. Left alone.