Carol’s Column

The sweet smell of sexcess

Life is short and sometimes quite miserable, which is why, when something joyous happens, it is nice to share it with others. Last week I read the most fascinating report in a reputable British newspaper. Written by science correspondent Robin McKie, it expounded upon the merits of a new scent that is bound to take the world by storm. Discovered by an American biochemical company called Erox, it is described as the Holy Grail of the perfume industry.

"It" is actually a human male sex pheromone, a substance which, the company claims, is the key to human sexual attraction.

As writer McKie explains, scientists have known about pheromones — airborne little chemicals which transmit sexual messages between animals — for years. For instance, boar extract is used to make sows receptive to artificial insemination. And another gripping fact: apparently truffles, those delicious and ridiculously expensive delicacies, contain boar pheromones which is why female pigs are so proficient in digging them up.

To get back to the United States, this is the first time that a human pheromone has been isolated and the ramifications are startling.

Soon, it seems, America will be marketing this human pheromone in men's aftershave lotion. Which means that even a Woody Allen lookalike will have the potential to become irresistible to women.

It will induce females to fall for the most repulsive men, even those who wear safari suits and long socks, or those with shirts open to the navel sporting thick gold chains. Yuck.

Just a speckle of this delectable essence sprinkled onto a newly-shaven cheek will act as a sex-charged time bomb.

Of course, bearded men who don’t shave are severely disadvantaged, but I dare say they could dab a little of the aftershave on their noses. The longer the proboscis, the greater the advantage.

Just a whiff of this heady pong apparently sends women into a frenzy and even the most sexless man becomes an immediate object of desire. The mind boggles in a crowd situation.

The Americans are not the only ones in search of the ultimate whiff. In Havana, Cuba, an enterprising government-backed perfumery — why shouldn't comrades smell nice too? - has created a new cologne for men inspired by rugged writer Ernest Hemingway.

The Hemingway fragrance has been captured in an attractive pipe-shaped bottle and the end product is called Don Gregorio, named after Hemingway's long-time fishing partner and best friend, Gregorio Fuerentes Betancourt, now 94 and still going strong.

The perfume, a "natural fragrance" is described as a mixture of sea breeze and pipe tobacco with a touch of beard thrown in. What more could the man who has everything desire? In fact, what could appeal more to the man who does not have everything?

I mentioned both these fragrances to my good friend Betty. "We should order some immediately," she said. "Both our husbands look a little jaded, don't you think?"

To tell the truth, I hadn't really thought. I mean, who thinks of husbands in terms of sexual attraction?

I phoned the States and Cuba. Unfortunately Cuba was out, so to speak, but the Americans were, as always, most helpful.

"This substance," said a Mr Anosmia of Erox, "will change your life. It turns every man into an instant sex object." He promised to send me a case. For family and friends.

I can’t wait.

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