Carol’s Column

Full feed ahead with the Jewish mother syndrome

I am a frustrated filler of mouths.

Years ago, my third youngest unmarried son who moved up to become my second youngest unmarried son on the occasion of my older son's marriage told me that had I not been an apprentice animal rightist, I would have made a perfect foul fowl feeder. He was talking about those unfortunate overstuffed force-fed birds used as culinary centre pieces for festivities.

"Every time we open our mouths you stuff something inside," said Jamie. "My first childhood memory is of you bearing down on me, nostrils flaring, eyes wide, brandishing a spoon filled with mashed carrots roaring ‘brrrmm, brrrmm, brrmm this is SAA 911 en route from London coming in to land. Open the hangar, open the hangar, brrrmm.’ I grew up thinking English people only ate mashed carrots."

"Well, they do," I retorted. "It's only recently that they discovered serious food such as egg plant, red pepper, olives and garlic."

To tell you the truth, for aardvarks years I thought overfeeding was a trait common only to Jewish mothers.

"Not at all," said my friend Margie, who herself started out with four basic children who’ve since beautifully proliferated which means she is now in the lucky position of having a whole clutch of open family mouthholes to fill. "The Jewish mother bit is totally transferable to all cultures. For instance, my mother, a most orthodox Tamil, was a typical Jewish mother. She always ensured that when our mouths were open, they were stuffed with food.

"But," added Margie, "she also said there were two good reasons for ensuring that the mouth of a child was always full. The first because children need to eat, and the second because it is a fact that when a child's mouth is full of food, he or she cannot answer back."

Well, theoretically, she was right but in our house the reality was different.

You know the scenario.

"Don't talk while you're eating and eat with your mouth shut."

"Why?"

"Because it is not polite to talk with your mouth full or chew with it wide open."

"Why?"

"Because it doesn't look nice to see all that yukky food being minced and mashed and chewed around in your big open mouth and what's more, while you're talking it gets spewed out landing all over the people sitting beside you."

"Then why does Daddy talk with his mouth full and eat with his mouth open?"

That's when any intelligent mother should leave the table, go upstairs, pack a suitcase and take off for somewhere idyllic like Pofadder until her children have grown up and reached the age of 21. Which is when they become mature adults and take responsibility for themselves and their eating habits.

That said, I'm still a frustrated filler of stomachs. Why? Because, as happens, my children are spread out all over the show and I miss them terribly. But I miss them even more during times such as these. Last week Jews celebrated Rosh Hashanah, the New Year, and today is Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement, the day on which we fast.

Tonight we'll all break our fast as is traditional with friends and family and more than anything, I would have wished to break the fast with my children, their partners and friends.

And I promise I wouldn't have minded full mouths, talking mouths, any mouths – as long as they were there. In fact, I would have felt blessed.

Meanwhile, to my children and to everyone of every religion and belief whoever and wherever you are, I wish you a peaceful, joyous and good year.

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