Carol’s Column

How Guy, a tree murderer, won me over

A few weeks ago I wrote a column about the cruelty of alien trees annihilated in name of conservation. The following day I received a message to call one Guy Preston. "To chat about alien vegetation," he said.

Guy Preston, it seemed, was heavily involved in the invasive alien vegetation annihilation squad. He wanted to meet for coffee to discuss my concern for aliens.

Hmmm. The last time I agreed to meet a stranger for coffee was to discuss a ban all guns column I'd written. What should have been a reasonable debate became ugly when the pro-gunner (he came from Brits) belligerently threatened to shoot me.

So I was apprehensive about Preston.

At first appearance, he didn't look like a menacing machete murderer. But looks can be deceptive. The mad gunman from Brits resembled a minister (as in priest or rabbi).

Over coffee, I discovered Guy is the national leader of the Working for Water programme as well as an adviser to Ronnie Kasrils, Minister of Water Affairs and Forestry.

Taking small sips of coffee, we discussed the lack of adequate water on the African continent. Working for Water works pragmatically to conserve every precious drop. This includes the clearance of invasive species. Architected by former minister, Kadar Asmal - water, the provision and conservation of, is the big success story of government - but that's another story.

Looking through brochures, I spied a clever toilet with a basin on the cistern. Modestly, this likeable conservationist revealed he'd invented it. After a lavatorial performance, a flush ensures the water cunningly fills the cistern basin in which hands can be washed. When finished, the same water flushes the toilet.

Tree murderer or not, I have to say I was impressed.

We touched on another possible idea - the bean bag bath. Conventional baths wasted water "due to our anatomical evolutionary design not corresponding with the shape of baths," said Guy. In other words; parts of our bodies (heads, legs) are too narrow for baths and so cannot displace water. The Preston solution to this anatomical defect is to place a bean bag adjusting to the shape of the body into the bath. In other words, you and your bean bag will bond, thus displacing gaps caused by bad anatomical design. This says Guy, uses just 15 litres of water as opposed to the 120 litres for a conventional baths.

And, if vermiculite granules are used to fill the bean bags, your bath will stay warmer longer, saving water and electricity. Wriggle yourself against the bean bag and voila! – an instant underwater massage.

Bloody brilliant.

Then we got to serious stuff. With appropriate scientific documentation I learnt how alien vegetation such as pines and wattles suck South African soil dry, spread like a cancer and smother our indigenous trees and plants. To say they are potentially life-threatening and a curse is an understatement. I must stress,

Guy Preston, an academic botanist in his former life, is not against all aliens, only the dangerous invasives.

It's remarkable how an educative coffee changes perceptions. Driving home, any exotic pines looked evil. They belonged in Europe, not Africa.

Three years ago, I planted a graceful Norfolk pine in our garden. Inspection showed nothing grew beneath my pine, the boughs were desolate of birds. It had to go, so I dug up. In its place I planted an indigenous wild peach and yesterday watched two white eyes alight upon it.

You're right, I am smirking, for today I am proud to say I am a member of the invasive alien vegetation annihilation squad and I'm standing up to be counted.

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