Carol’s Column

Resolving this wee matter would be joy

One of the most irritating problems for women is the lack of adequate lavatory facilities. Go to any public place and the sight of women queueing to use the toilet is the norm.

Men, on the other hand, whip into their urinals, where they stand shoulder to shoulder, speedily urinate and zap out again.

Men never queue.

Which is why many women were absolutely riveted by a recent television programme demonstrating how a Dutch sister, frustrated at standing in endless lavatory lines, pragmatically invented an innovative funnel to be used by aspiring stand-tall female piddlers.

The funnel – I think named a pee-mate (or something equally esoterically subtle) - enables women to take their place beside upright men at a urinal.

No more waiting for cubicles to be freed, intrepid female piddlers can now rapidly widdle away.

For those of you who might have missed this fascinating visual snippet, the inventor was seen fearlessly striding into a toilet (one with urinals, so I suppose by definition, that labels it one for men), opening her zip (she wore jeans not a skirt on this demonstrative occasion), attaching the funnel to the correct place and weeing.

The inventor is apparently an artist with an aesthetic eye, so the funnels have been colourfully designed and come in all sorts of imaginative shades and patterns.

In principle, I approved of the idea because truly, nothing can be more aggravating than standing behind 15 women waiting for a vacant loo.

Which is why, when I see such a line, I often enter a male cloakroom and use the toilets positioned in the cubicles (which seem rarely in use).

I have been doing this since I discovered there is an unspoken law among male urinators that they should never, ever look around while in the company of other guys similarly occupied.

They never peer sideways or down - in case it is thought that they might possibly be inspecting and comparing their co-piddlers' appendages.

In other words, it goes against the grain for one man to gaze upon another's outstanding organ involved in the evacuation of bodily fluid waste.

So, when a needy female walks into a men's toilet and goes straight to the cubicle with a door, nobody notices as everyone peeing has their eyes dead ahead.

Personal experience has proved this works.

To get back to the funnel. Discussion among my friends of similar gender revealed that while the idea has merit, it is impractical.

For instance, where do you keep the funnel when it is not in use. It is too large to fit into a pocket?

Then, one would need to thoroughly rinse and drip-dry it afterwards - so would a small towel have to be part of the package?

Conceivably, a natty little sling bag in which to house the funnel might be a solution, as would a fanny pack - the same kind used for travellers.

Instead of placing passports and travellers' cheques inside, women could carry around their pee-mates.

Actually, the Chinese have really intelligently designed toilets. Rows of cubicles are placed over narrow channels of swiftly-flowing water. You stand astride them, or perhaps you crouch down and then you do whatever it is you need to.

Gender and user friendly and speedy, they are extremely efficient.

As happens with matters of importance, I discussed the pee-mate with my octogenarian mother and her octogenarian companion Johanna.

"You can't turn a fruitfly into an elephant," commented my mother, a little obscurely, I thought.

Johanna was more to the point: "A pussy is mos 'n pussy," she said. "Why change a good thing?"

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