Carol’s Column

Planet America is a wonder to behold

They speak English and they look like us. Very much like us: blacks, whites, pinks, greens and yellows, and they have similar problems. But, to tell the truth, being in America is like life on a different planet.

For example, the plug in my bath didn’t fit, so I called the front desk.

“The plug in my bath doesn’t fit,” I said.

“The plug in your bath?” Someone came to investigate.

“Ah, the stopper in your tub!” he exclaimed.

In New Orleans this week, 5 000 delegates and I have been attending Pow Wow, a top American travel conference covered by journalists from 70 countries, including a gentleman from Paraguay who wants to marry a South African girl.

New Orleans has pulled out all the stops to ensure that Pow Wow visitors will have a memorable conference. There’s jazz on every street corner, people dancing in the streets – a sort of toyi-toyi New Orleans style. Not to mention cajun and creole shrimps, crawfish and catfish gumbo and jambalaya. And grits, Southern grits, the Louisiana version of mealie meal porridge.

The New Orleans Superdome, which holds nearly 100 000 under a roof on certain occasions, almost swayed to the revelry of a mardi gras. Unexpected fireworks had the South African contingent ducking beneath the table. “It’s a bombing,” muttered one. “Chris Hani all over again,” muttered another.

Gordon Keyes, pronounced Gordone Kaaiyas, is a shoe shine man who’s been “shinin’ shooos friver.” “So, jew know Da Grayat Man?” he asked with great interest. Da Grayat Man is Nelson Mandela.

“I once had lunch with him,” I confided.

“Ja did?” His face breaks into a thousand smiles and he refuses to let me pay for a shoe shine.

“Dem shoes dat et wid Nelson Mandela don’t pay for no shine,” he says delightedly.

Just like home, the newspapers are filled with items of national interest. Like the fact that Bill Clinton spent R600 ($200) on a haircut, the New York Variety Arts Theatre is holding auditions for dogs to take part in a new musical, and wildlife officials of Venice, California, are planning to massacre 350 ducks that have come down with herpes. However, Venice residents are mounting a Save the Herpes Ducks campaign.

On the travel front, SAA, which already flies to New York four times a week, and to Miami once a week, will now be flying directly to Los Angeles. This is wonderful news for South Africans, who wish to experience the stopper in American tubs for themselves.

But best of all is the news that Michael Jackson, like Eugene TerreBlanche, wears green underpants.

It makes me feel right at home.

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