Carol’s Column

I share a tub with Hillary Clinton

The President of America's wife and I shared a haemorrhoids bath in Hot Springs, Arkansas. Not together, you understand. But her derriere and mine both sat in the same little bath and both were exposed to the calming, thermal waters of Hot Springs.

I couldn't believe it. Here I was in deepest America, in Bill Clinton's home town, sitting in his wife's bath.

Let me explain, Hot Springs, Arkansas, is famous for its therapeutic thermal mineral waters, which bubble from the centre of the earth and reputedly are beneficial to those who bathe in them.

Therefore, when I found myself in Hot Springs it was only natural that I should "take the waters". A high-ceilinged steaming emporium, it was filled with women draped in sheets.

"Howdy, honeychile," said the well-built and extremely muscular attendant assigned to me. "My name is Shirley." I stripped; she encased me in a white sheet, then unstripped me again and popped me into a large bath with bubbling hot water.

"You just stay and cook for 20 minutes," she said. "You'll feel as relaxed as a noodle." She reappeared with a giant tufa. "You had chillun, honey?" she asked, scrubbing me as if I was a pair of dirty socks.

"Yes, four," I murmured.

"Oh, I can shore see," she grinned, kneading my stomach as if it were dough.

"You want time in the haemorrhoids tub?" she asked. "It's mighty soothing - Hillary Clinton uses it."

"Take me to the tub," I demanded. It was a low, deep little bath, shaped to accommodate a bottom.

It required a certain agility, as one ended up sitting with rear submerged and legs in the air, while jets of water whirled away.

"Did the President ever sit here?" I pondered aloud.

"Well no, this is the ladies' side," said Shirley. "But, in the old days, they say men sometimes used this side. Who knows, Al Capone might have used this very tub."

"Really!" I exclaimed.

"Yes!" said Shirley, her eyes sparkling. "It used to be a regular syphilis cure." I was silent. What could I say?

After 10 minutes in the haemorrhoids tub I was moved to the needle shower, then to the steam bath and finally to the massage tables.

By now, I felt like a million dollars, so invigorated I could have ruled a country.

"We have hot springs in South Africa, in Aliwal North and Warmbaths", I told Shirley.

"Oh, really?"

"But to tell the truth, I've never shared the same haemorrhoids bath as Marike de Klerk - she's our President's wife," I confided to Shirley.

"Uh, huh," said Shirley. "Well, why don't you tell that little lady to come right over to Hot Springs for a thermal bath? It’ll change her life. Look what it did for Hillary Clinton. They say she'll be our first woman president." I was thrilled.

After all, how many people in the world can say they shared the President of America’s haemorrhoids tub?

PS: Marike, are you there? Hot Springs and Shirley of Arkansas are waiting for you. It could change your life.

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